Ethereality

Russ-Ahna Davenport

1. Self-Discovery

Back Home

I finally found the end of where I'm from. It's a long way from home,

The home I never found.

If I rewound the time,

Would I still make it out?

I'm still reading me

And, no, I'm not a picture book.

I am a fiction,

Lovely description,

Ugly depiction,

Bewitched and afflicted,

Not with it,

The black lines and red blood:

Torn out pages I taped back in Listening to the static,

The bullshit melodramatic...

I found the time to reestablish

All my ink

And everything unfair is there, the entire kitchen sink:

The crazy things I think,

All those times I'd want to shrink,

All my signs of suffering,

Heights I flew and flight I faked Feeling like a mistake.

Though, there's no feigning greatness.

Ha-ha, tell me how high are the stakes?

Let me go make a statement.

Yes, I'll go and make mistakes.

Yes, I'll go, and I'll be great.

I once thought this word was a lie;

Thought nothing was better than fine,

"Just fine.”

“Alright.”

That's why I might have never tried

Last time, my life was on the line

And I just died,

I gave up, cried, and let it slide,

Empty inside with no more drive

I drowned in the pit of my stomach

I screamed with no sound, surrounded by

The demons who claimed they founded me

They founded my oppression,

Unsafe obsessions,

Still unwilling compression,

I claimed my confession

The truth, my liberation

Love, my saving grace

You never truly lose your identification

You only relearn to perceive a face

Oh you—unfracture the mirrors

Yes, you—unshatter the glass

And, you—unclose the curtains

You remember how to laugh

You stand back up again

And again, and again and again

And there's no telling when

It will end

No one will send for your friends

No one will warn before it happens

No one will always pay attention

No one will notify your patience

It may arrest your concentration

It may arouse your indignation

But you must give it again

Do not give in again

I am the whole universe

Flowing through my mind, my heart, and my soul

I believe I found myself—

How could I not be home—

on the way up

Again?

Eighteen Years

17 years for me

More for you

Discovering, changing

Pain and panic

Fears and manic rage

My silence came and went we held our shared secrets

Of times lived and passed now

We've grown up and worn down

Matured,

how we tore out ourselves

And were reborn

I'll never know

I'd never tell

Because, see, I got you and you got me

I pray our friendship lasts eternities

I've said my vows in dreams and poetry

Finding good friends on whom I can depend ain’t easy

and it sure doesn't come free

We've grown together, we've paid our fees and I'm sure you know me

(Well enough)

You know my sorrow, my laughter, my loves

(And other stuff)

You watch my back, you know my name

You've lived my story

You carried my worries

You held me up for me

You're still here

With that smile

Such stupid jokes

You make my lightness last a while

I still trust you with my hopes,

My snacks, and my trash

I can always count on insults and warm hugs and

glasses

In front of your eyes

That deep brown that always gets me

You finish my unfinished thoughts

And I realize how long you've been with me

And it wrecks me, it kind of upsets me

To remember we were just over three feet tall

That yard stick with Mrs. (Feeley?) And Miss Logan and the Flyers

Her pregnancy and Josh leaving?

When we were quiet

We were afraid

But we were tired of being the same

And so, we sought our names

We fought and bled to call our names

Out poured love, heartbreak, life from the lame

Because we can speak, how sweet the sound

As we howl, we shout

Loud and proud and marking marks in this dark world

I hope you know you're incredible

I hope you know I need you

I hope you're aware you're irreplaceable

I don't know who I'd be without you

Look where you are, where you've been,

What you've done, this heart you've lent me

What beauty the years have etched into your being

If you could see her, the girl I've seen,

Tyler Howard told off the tongue familiarly

But different now

Sassy girl, you're older now

Oh, young woman, look how you've grown

You're not the same but you're still home

Riptide in the Sinkhole

I find myself

At the anchor of all my things

They are pulling, pulling away

And I feel the mass of all their matter

It doesn’t matter

Whatever stays won’t

Water flower, caged trunk

The tree doesn’t grow because

It’s too heavy to float

So, we’re drowning

Downing the truth

Like the malleable metal it is

Something shiny at the bottom

Of the ocean

At the bottom

With corrosion

At the bottom

Flood me over

Take my body

Run me through

With all my things

With all the truth

And something new

Loose tie of noose

Used like a leash

Grounding me deeper to darkness beneath

All the pressure of water

And the sharpened teeth

Of rope ripping out my throat

Pulling me further, it pulls me to choke,

Beyond all that is known

This is black hole of galaxy,

A night I don’t own

Where all my soul chases me home

Down, down further still

And breaking my body

My spine snaps, allotting me

To fill these hot choppy

waters

With all of myself

When the pain of ephemeral fears

Cracks me open with my sweats and tears

I can collide with my identity

It rushes through my mind

It fills my soul with a timeless whine

For a cure

But you’re also

The affliction

Almost addiction

A contradiction

A selfish ricochet

Of beauty and darkness

Pride and shame

Something of sublimity

What’s gotten into me?

Your magnetic pulse pulls at the chain

Oh, the stars! Even they arc to your mandate

I am the anchor for all my things

And they always pull away

But I fall

I am in awe

They rush toward me

As they bend to your call

And it doesn’t feel wrong,

Your entropy, awake in my anatomy

Even as we start to stall

With your flaws stumbling into my flaws

Blow love into your left hand

While all my feelings fumble

Raw

Still just scribbled into loose-leaf in messy scrawl

2. Breaking Open

Sketch

I am pale caramel coffee, Toasted on the edges.

I am screaming child

On the surgery table as they sew together

The skin of my ankle.

I see them in white, the tall men.

They try to make me whole again.

I am writhing,

I am Storm—

of limb and fear—

Still torn and torn within,

They steer me one way,

But I writhe. I fight.

I am more than a one directional wind.

I don’t fit in.

I am woman.

Just something to recall,

When I am among men,

I am

Woman

More than strong

I am the strength of six-thousand of them

Not only men and not only sin

There is more to the world

There is what we believe

Questions like can we achieve our dreams?

Will we become who we set out to be?

Are we alone?

There is only me;

For me, such that I am me

And you as you.

There is so much more than us.

I am woman.

For me, it may mean

That my youth was dangerous

Because I loved pants

And sat down too often with too much space between my legs

And stood up too often

With too much sound

Took too much space

I tried too hard with too much to prove

And this mess may also mean

That tomboy girls don’t date

I am not allowed to make mistakes

Because my worth is based upon my grades

Not basketball and not ice hockey,

Pucks too rough, falls too hard

For my frail little feminine body to withstand

I think of my sister’s hand flying into my face

I think of how I wish I had mace

Because, recall, women shouldn’t brawl.

Carry pepper spray, tear gas, hell, maybe buy claws.

Doesn’t it seem wrong?

The way boys are taught?

How I can’t even defend my own face

From my sister’s horseplay?

If my genitalia

My biological paraphernalia

My lovely hormonal hindrances

Had been only slightly different

My father may have taught me to ball a fist

For the bullies

And to watch my temper But to defend my face.

Tell me, what does that say?

What am I supposed to be valuing?

Do I value the devalued worth of my face?

What if I paint it?

Overlay the brown and gold with

Pixie dust like copper rust

Shimmering in the dawn and falling over my cheeks

Like sunlight at dusk

What if I mold my face to your design

Take to the task of masking my lines with lies Like I am perfect, I am yours,

And deception is a cure.

What if I “smile once in a while”?

Not because I love you but

Because feigned joy is worth my discomfort

My pain for your ploy and all this I have suffered

Is still not enough for my face to appreciate

In the same way you disrespect my whole body

Needing something erotic, despotic

An exotic almost hypnotic taste of freedom

In the soft-rouge caramel ocean of these folds of

My skin

Breathe me in

Sweat and lemon and tequila

And set my body afire until you breathe out my smoke

In circular puffs that spell out your name

And I am still the same

Maybe, worthless

As you continue to devalue my face

Maybe, worthless

Though this body,

Woman

Carries a cargo of your future

Without me, you have no legacy

You have no home to store your seed

You have no sons to teach

No one to build your monuments

No one to love your hate

To wash your hands and clean the slate

No one to bear the weight

Of child-bearing, of mothering

You lose everything with me

You lose your fate to a state of mind

Where I do not exist because

You refuse to recognize the value of my face

There are no men in white

To sew me closed tonight

The pain blossoms from within and not outside

It writhes inside me. I writhe.

It fights me. I fight.

We are side by side but one in the same

As pain piles on pain

And the blood taints my sheet

I feel whole but faint

Alone and awake

I curl up

Small

Into a ball

I let it all wash over me

What is the value of my cycles

Of this loneliness we call independence?

It’s only me, my body, my face, in defense

And I have so many reasons

Sometimes, the fire in me is tiring me

But I do not mind for me,

As me

You must also be you

I am

Woman

And there is more than just us

Like who we are, what we believe in and trust

Still my hands are up to block the blow

But, meanwhile, look around you

And, tell me,

Does not my face have high value?

Full Spaces

For all that strange broken glass

The kind that you should have broken because the

Barrier that angers you

Sits so placid and clear and pale

You didn’t

You looked at it, buried the feeling—

You buried the feeling—

And balled your fist

You walked away

No, sorry, you fled

On foot, no shoe

You tore the skin

Oh, in flooded pathogens

In they flooded

Swirled in your blood

As the rest of you poured

Out

Left the empty carcass behind

To cover up a growing heap,

A tiresome heathen of a heap

Of strange broken glass

Edgy Faulted Rose

I’m a sucker for fear

Oh, I’m an addict

Stop me now

Tell me how to be better

Maybe, how to be proud

See, “I’m a slut for” the risks

The deep thoughts and wonder

The time racing against any of my apathy

While the hot sun I’m under

Burns out

I’ll burn out

I am worn out

I’ll be found out

If I’m not careful

What I do, what I say, where I go

I know

I stay still

Because the moment is waiting

It is calling me, killing me, taunting me

Cold chills

Warm pains

Empty spaces

Distance we’ll never fill

I am terrified of the time yet to pass still

Will I fill my cup?

Will you spill my cup?

I am swaying with this worry

Will you shake me with your history?

Taint me with your alluring

Blues and reds and changing queries

Make me feel

Break the seal

Of these lips

With the embrace of your words

Unlock my cage with your hearth

Your heart is my poetry and I am attempting to understand

The language

Oh, the moment is waiting and all my risk-taking

And all of the strange letters and the dark fear remind me why I’m here

In the first place

And I confess that my one question is,

Seeing my raw body,

The rose dying within my ribs,

The mess of petals and black rotting lungs

Sloppy,

Will you still let me in

And hold my trembling hand

And help me to my feet to stand

Despite my weak knees, my poor breathing,

And let me let you consider the concept of loving me?

Containment

i: Confessions

I stay away because I'll taint the white floor

With blood

With shards and fear

With pain

Sky fade darkness

In the darkness I come alive

Because I can’t scare away all the mortals

When I whisper when I write and writhe

I’m uncomfortable in this skin

Not because it’s brown or curved but it’s thin

And it’s me

Oh, invisibility

And you see my love on my sleeve

Find my wing, torn feathers,

One lonesome wing only to pull me up

When I fall down and to spread my essence

Only flightless birds fall this hard

Run this far

Feel safe with my face in the carpet

My toes in the dirt

My red paint smeared on cheeks

Seeing it all red under the stars

Neon signs and red stop signs

Oh, tell you, they sell you,

Oh, how they... unfurl you, no, close!

Oh, damn you, Sleep.

Sleep me away

I’ll be alright … until sunrise

ii: Compromises

Holding onto the truth by my own broken feather

We cut our teeth on shattered gemstones

And bleed blood into letters

That are never sent and forever unspoken

Forming foreign words that are best left unopened

Chaining souls to the guilt that they know they don’t own

Tie a noose to her tongue, watch her drop like a stone

His words will choke alone, alongside his drowning

In an ocean of emotion echoing, resounding,

Bouncing with no rhythm, flouncing over air

Still waters still teaching them life isn’t fair

Waters that torture—silent judgement of mind

Notice the burn of unclean clarity blinding your eyes Fade to white, and wonder what is and isn’t right

If you die, if I die, would it all be for light?

Sunlight beam.

Driftwood. Grab hold.

Pull up. Fall up.

Look up. Break mold.

Never fold. Never fold.

If I’ve always been benevolent

And to the devil never sold

If I never meant malevolence

However, I never left the cold

When I always am alone

When I wander past the safety zone

And I try and I try and I try

Want to sigh, want to hide, want to die,

What is life?

If we contain the pain inside,

Then we cannot be held accountable

If we remain sane outside

Then, the success is insurmountable,

Unavoidable, irrevocable, ever-true

If I die here with you,

I live free of the guilt

My self-maintenance has restrained my innocence

By containing myself inside

So, no one might suffer my vile bile

My poisonous parasites

Oh, my self-containment has maintained my innocence

Compromises retain the truth

I feel no consequence

iii: Consequences

Fight the fade or feel the fate

Constancy

Stagnancy

Ignorance

Breeding violence, sorrow, death

Sowing seasons of pain

Encouraging hate

Changing our faces

Changing our names

Staining

The same on the same on the same

Encouraged and caused by

Difference and shame

Fear fells the lame

But braving the whole world

And berating the caving brethren beneath

And disassociating shared humanity

We’re killing ourselves

You’re killing yourselves

Just for the highest shelf

Gather dust until you die and rot from your stealth

Still killing your health

You are mute

Brainwashed

Fearing mutiny

Cheering stupidly

Aware of a change in the air

They dare to dupe you with

And call it equality

Because crying in your room quietly

Won’t solve all your problems

They won’t go away

They’ll come back

Until you speak with gentle attack

Stacking your odds

Against their money stacks

Against their sunny days

Because running from the fray

Isn’t running from today

It’s running in place

Your sinking ship is still sinking

When no one makes a sound

When no one is around to say

You shot the albatross down

Carry your weight

Lift it high

Admit you made a mistake

They made a mistake

We made a mistake

And we’ll never be the same

Promise, we’ll never be the same

The consequence of silence is suicide

The pretense of emotional violence is cyanide

The sorrow of these tears cuts you open

Wide

For them to fill you with bitter salted lies

And you won’t recognize

That sugar and spice isn’t nice

You need to be reminded

That they despise the look in your eyes

In that heightened moment before the moment subsides

That tells the all truth there is, as it rises through your guise

Be wise and don’t hide it

Ignite it

Outcry it

Deny this

Action’s validity, solidity

Solemnity doesn’t acquit a thing

Don’t rate how poorly they faked that it was okay

But admit you made a mistake

They made a mistake

We made a mistake

Promise, we’ll never be the same again

The drag

A crash

All the singed salted sores

Breeding sorrow, violence, death

Because you’re a welcome mat

And the door is open to the past

Whatever passed shall pass again

Making swipes at the same sin And when you refuse protest

You always give in.

So, I stay away because I’ll taint the white floor

But, perhaps, I should play with fire more

And paint the place with my mistakes

Show my face in the sun and stay

Accountability is at stake and I want change

I want to raid the blue sky and live both night and day

So, excuse my insolence as I forego my innocence

To better regard more important things

Than those whitewashed standards and those old ugly stains

3. Pejorative Imperfection of Youth

Worn Youth

Torture lies beneath this skin.

The laurel wreath is growing thin

We are throwing down the lustrous crowns

Because within us we feel it bound

Bound by paper, green in its color

Bound by staying bonded with each other

Bound by wolves that call our names

To choose to be wild or make ourselves tame

Pull them up and stretch them out

These whispered words made loud as shouts Don't be mistaken, we'll make our marks,

Our voices carving, they'll break your heart.

But if these walls fell on themselves,

I'd still have nothing else to tell.

Tears falling now,

And to the ground

Where flowers grow until feet come pound;

Where flowers grow; feet crush and compound.

Mortar and pestle ground down the life.

It ripped down the joy and put up the strife.

It pulls out the strings of piano, guitar.

Stripped down the dreams; tore down the stars.

Rusty places, random faces, just lips moving never staying

Whipped and beaten

Stripped mistreated keep obeying never swaying

Courage fading

Life awaiting

People praying

War is razing

Fight to your last breath

And don't let it go.

Hold it tight.

Be solid as stone

We fight with our smiles. We fight with our words. We fight with these styles, This benevolent couture.

Skaters

Painters

Waiters

No haters

Players

Gamers

Strayers from Feigners

Believers and Trailblazers

Creators and Groundbreakers

We will never stop beating our drums nor rack the guitars.

We’ll retie the strings and retry that melody from the start.

We rediscover, redefine, realign the stars all the time, Speaking, dreaming, creating, and being; we fly,

Breaking waves upon waves of sky.

No more lies at our highest of highs.

No more hiding; just be alive.

Let's play out our hearts to the moon-laced night

And remember that we are the future because we are the fray

And we make the sun shine brighter for the next day

We move the mountains and we turn the tides

We the Worn Youth will give our all for all of our lives.

Of Pan

There’s always some bullshit about

How amazing magic is

And, oh, truly tragic is

When we believe what’s happening

We’re fracturing the caption

With the poor boy and his beans

The poor boy who climbed a tree

And found that he had finally been freed

Or an angry lost orphan

Who burned out his endorphins

Who made other lonely lost boys adore him

And chained his youth to constrain misfortune

Oh, high-high he flew

And much like Icarus

He melted the glue that held him together

And grounded him with the truth

Oh, it is unfortunate

Our fountain of youth is a fortune

Not found in magic beans

It's soundly tucked within our rib cages

The thunder of it running as we're gunning down the ages

Making changes

Nothing ancient can't be made new

Just take a look in your mirror

Say I believe in you

The fruit of our history

The tree that cut down Adam and Eve

It leaves behind a cycle of seeds

A somber gift to you and me

It's quite a steep price to pay

For our humanity

Yet we are instilled in that unshakeable reality

Here, the youth runs out and the blood runs thick

And red

Red like roses in the memes we receive on Valentine's day

Days pass inconsistently times, distances, and densities shifting

Shifting me like my soul is so easy to push and pull

Pulling me closer from my confusion and changes

It changes me and pains me, challenges and enrages

It enrages the sages that don't know they were only born yesterday from the stars and the rain

The rain falls down onto our faces and we melt into the water below

Below we will be buried but for now

For now, we make our rounds in the streets

Shouting things we're proud of and doing things we're not

And snapchatting

And cash-sharing

And fast planning

And re-wearing

And copycatting

And messy hair

And t-shirts in the frosty air

Knowing we're unique

Knowing we live once

Knowing we will find a peak

And we will fall

This is our unshakeable reality

That our immortal youth lives within our bodies

And we are only here for our time allotted by

Forces and fears about us

Only extended by luck and learned lessons

Only made to mean more by the lives we choose to lead

Not Us They Seek

I am more than a sum of broken parts and I am more than the pretty words I know

I am more than my soul

Because there is something existential in these bones

Consistently the words I mean to say escape my throat

Silently

And I find myself quite lost because I yearn to be free

(To see the sun, to see the sea

But sealed inside of me is me)

Deep within the broken filaments I lie

In fact I reside against my will

(My will is there unknown to man

Stronger than any bond broken by human hand)

I am pulling at the thread

Shouting at the top of my lungs

With no breath

Shouting soundlessly ideas bouncing round with ‘me

Stuck trapped in a web of my own lies

To myself

Been lying to myself for sixteen years

Then I disappeared

Stood still

Was still here

Breaking free of my own fear

I let her see me

I let him break the skin

I let them in

I let them get a good look

Who am I?

For the lie that I was okay with myself?

Who am I?

For the time I spent hating myself?

Who are we?

When we lie never caught taming ourselves?

Getting high on what we perceive to be “normal”

Who are we to be always shaming ourselves

Behind one-way mirrors and transparent windows

Eyes peering, piercing the veil; not us they seek

We all see. We never speak.

Out there, we wear like camouflage

This hodge-podge, this mess: red dress

Laughs, “love,” gender roles, sex

Race, personalities, fear, lack of rest

But come on, pause

This is all wrong

For what cause?

In the halls of our flaws

There is a flood

Of change coming

The winds are turning

To wipe from our eyes the dust

That we might rise from the ashes

From our sins, pain, hate’s bashful rash actions

That we might realize our truth

Inside ourselves

Seeking ourselves

By ourselves

But united in

The proof that we choose who we are

We can’t lose who we are

Choose to find yourself inside

In the pursuit, in the proof, in the truth,

Where love takes root